tree bark hands

I guess I am ready to tell the real story behind the title of this blog. I have eczema on my hands which makes them resemble scraggly branches. My skin literally looks more like bark than epidermis. It is rough and uneven with deep wrinkles, patchy areas of swelling and flaking with gashes sores and welts just to add to the rainbow. (The gashes are from the digging and scratching I do with my nails while I sleep because it feels like the itch is in my bones.) Another thing is that when I turn my hands over, the palms and the undersides of my fingers are smooth and clear and youthful as ever, which reminds me of the layer right under tree bark. That is where all the action is. Where the tree is actually growing and moving and doing all the good stuff it needs to reproduce, right there just under the dead outer layer.

I keep looking at my condition and observing what it is really doing to me. I notice that I can tolerate it most of the time which is pretty amazing considering how intense the itching, burning and stinging can be. When it gets too hard to bear I whip out my handy little tin of Shea butter that I carry in my pocket and slather some on. This provides a little temporary relief. I try to keep track of how many times a day I do that as a guage for how my skills at detachment are coming along. I am not sure that's the right word but managing pain is a skill I have always possessed not being a fan of pain killers or numbing of any kind. I have avoided pain medication in situations from dental work to back pain to childbirth. But it is one thing to deal with pain when you know it will be over in a matter of minutes or hours. And another when it is with you every second of every day and even worse at night. So this is teaching me to do more than just breath through it, it is forcing me to literally change my mind. For example, if I take inventory of what I am thinking about when the eczema screams for my attention, I always find some worry, these days mostly about money.

I am trying to heal the eczema myself not only by disciplining my mind, but also with the help of some amazing health practitioners that support self-healing. And even though my condition is as bad or worse than it was a year ago, I know I am making headway because I don't worry about it anymore, and that is a great achievement. It used to be a bigger stress on my life when I saw it as a problem I needed to solve as soon as possible. Now it is a stresser because it makes me work so damn hard! And after a year of this, I realize I cannot control it, it will be here kicking my ass for as long as I need my ass kicked, and it has taught me a lot already. The most important lesson is the constant daily reminder to Pay Attention to what my brain is doing. And second of all Patience, which is a great thing to have up your sleeve in any situation but especially with kids. Another is Faith. I trust that it will eventually go away. It may not disappear any time soon and I know it is not going away when I want it to (which was yesterday). But I am AS sure it will disappear as I am sure my toddler will learn to use the potty. It is inevitable. And I will be interested to see when it happens. Faith in myself is key and that is a great lesson.

Ladybugs

There are all kinds of ladybugs on the newly planted baby lemon tree outside my window. Every time I sit here to write I notice one or two twirling around on its budding little branches. Ladybugs never fail to lighten me with their improbably bright color and mod design. It is warm and spring is upon us. It comes early here in sunny southern California and gives way to the harsh heat of summer early too. So I am going to enjoy every moment of it, the cool mornings and breezy afternoons. I am going to work as hard as the bugs and the birds are working, to be creative and sexy in everything I do.

Procrastinating

I need to clean my desk but I'd rather watch my seedlings grow.

Palm Trees

Under towering palm trees and smaller potted varieties scattered around this enormous complex of three pools and two hot tubs, dozens of empty reclining lawn chairs obscure a view of the ocean. My in-laws have brought us here to Newport Beach for a much needed vacation and I am so grateful for this time to be with family in such a do-nothing setting. We are having a great time, especially at the pools and the beach which is stunning. But I am curious about a place like this where natural beauty is sometimes subjugated by entertainment in the name of leisure. The design of this multileveled complex of bungalows and services need not detract from the irrevocable beauty of the coastline we are perched just above, but it almost seems as if it was forgotten. If I crane my neck I can see the immaculate blue of the sky dissolving into fog and clouds at the horizon. But the vast expanse of ocean and matching sky punctuated by diving pelicans is blocked by the wrought iron fence and the white lawn furniture that is as bright and distracting as a camera flash. Together they make a barrier between this civilized habitat of luxury and the beautiful California coastline below. Instead of clouds we see white umbrellas. Instead of the ocean waves we hear the constant tumbling of a fountain and piped in pop tunes.

As we were leaving the pool complex yesterday, the girls and I after an hour of frolicking in the water, we opened the gate to begin our descent down three long sets of stairs to our bungalow and there at the top of the landing stood a young couple. They were loitering on the small pad of concrete, no more than three feet square, wine in their glasses, enjoying the view. This was the only spot where you could see it fully. With nothing to sit on, they stood there, crowded by the gate behind them and the door swinging open by the likes of us.