tree bark hands

I guess I am ready to tell the real story behind the title of this blog. I have eczema on my hands which makes them resemble scraggly branches. My skin literally looks more like bark than epidermis. It is rough and uneven with deep wrinkles, patchy areas of swelling and flaking with gashes sores and welts just to add to the rainbow. (The gashes are from the digging and scratching I do with my nails while I sleep because it feels like the itch is in my bones.) Another thing is that when I turn my hands over, the palms and the undersides of my fingers are smooth and clear and youthful as ever, which reminds me of the layer right under tree bark. That is where all the action is. Where the tree is actually growing and moving and doing all the good stuff it needs to reproduce, right there just under the dead outer layer.

I keep looking at my condition and observing what it is really doing to me. I notice that I can tolerate it most of the time which is pretty amazing considering how intense the itching, burning and stinging can be. When it gets too hard to bear I whip out my handy little tin of Shea butter that I carry in my pocket and slather some on. This provides a little temporary relief. I try to keep track of how many times a day I do that as a guage for how my skills at detachment are coming along. I am not sure that's the right word but managing pain is a skill I have always possessed not being a fan of pain killers or numbing of any kind. I have avoided pain medication in situations from dental work to back pain to childbirth. But it is one thing to deal with pain when you know it will be over in a matter of minutes or hours. And another when it is with you every second of every day and even worse at night. So this is teaching me to do more than just breath through it, it is forcing me to literally change my mind. For example, if I take inventory of what I am thinking about when the eczema screams for my attention, I always find some worry, these days mostly about money.

I am trying to heal the eczema myself not only by disciplining my mind, but also with the help of some amazing health practitioners that support self-healing. And even though my condition is as bad or worse than it was a year ago, I know I am making headway because I don't worry about it anymore, and that is a great achievement. It used to be a bigger stress on my life when I saw it as a problem I needed to solve as soon as possible. Now it is a stresser because it makes me work so damn hard! And after a year of this, I realize I cannot control it, it will be here kicking my ass for as long as I need my ass kicked, and it has taught me a lot already. The most important lesson is the constant daily reminder to Pay Attention to what my brain is doing. And second of all Patience, which is a great thing to have up your sleeve in any situation but especially with kids. Another is Faith. I trust that it will eventually go away. It may not disappear any time soon and I know it is not going away when I want it to (which was yesterday). But I am AS sure it will disappear as I am sure my toddler will learn to use the potty. It is inevitable. And I will be interested to see when it happens. Faith in myself is key and that is a great lesson.