Holiday Miracles

Over the holidays I found myself enjoying a lot of sweets, a lot of meats, and a lot of, hmmm, how shall I categorize the rest…you know what I’m talking about. Breads, pastries, cheeses, dairy products, pasta. White food. That’s it. I generally eat pretty well, consuming a fair amount of fresh fruits and vegetables every day to offset my habit of eating pasta, bread, meat, and dairy products, including butter, butter, butter. I was having a good time, socializing, celebrating, working hard and enjoying all the many gifts of food bestowed on my family. As a rule I don’t eat candy, but Santa Claus put some delicious chocolate morsels in my stocking and I was on a roll so I just kept going. Then it was a road trip to the Bay Area, late at night mind you, so Dave and I needed to stay awake, and what better way than to continue the gluttony. Up at my in-laws house the menu was not in my jurisdiction so I gladly continued to eat whatever was placed before me. I had my share of fresh foods, but by then I was way more into pancakes and pizza than I was persimmons.

I have to admit I let my meditation practice slide a little while we were up there too and I guess that didn’t help matters. There was a price to be paid: I began to lose my focus. I started to have major doubts about my work as a healer and as an artist (writer, what have you). I started to feel down on myself, which immediately translated to down on everyone else. There I was, sitting in the passenger seat next to Dave as he drove us back to LA a day before the end of 2009 and feeling just plain negative. I had this old familiar feeling of being annoyed and I couldn’t wait to be somewhere else but in the car with Dave. Then this miracle happened. I recognized what I was doing. I saw that I was being lazy, sitting there in the passenger seat, criticizing him. And I saw how to stop. I just did. I looked at him and I opened up to all the love I have for him and he for me and I felt all the love that we created, now sleeping with mouths open in their car seats behind us and I watched the negative layer just get sloughed off like dead skin flicked out the window of our fast moving car. I was back in my new skin and I felt grateful that I know how to do that and sort of amazed at how easy it has become.

The next few days I still felt challenged however. No matter how I tried to get on track I kept finding myself wasting time, spinning my wheels, running in circles, not getting to the important work. I would sit down to do something that was a high priority and find myself paralyzed, just sitting there staring at the piles on my desk or the mess in my studio. Feeling defeated.

The other miracle that happened over the holidays was my sister. She gave me a book that is now my favorite about food. It is called “I Am Grateful” and it is written by the people who have some restaurants in SF and LA called “Café Gratitude.” When she gave it to me she explained that she loves this restaurant and that she always feels good after she eats there. This was a surprise to her because she is not a fan of vegetarian food and this is a vegan live food restaurant. Meaning nothing is cooked. I missed that part initially and thought she was handing me a vegan cookbook which I appreciated because I have been cooking more meals that are devoid of animal fat for my family. Before the holidays I was anyway. I didn’t really do more than glance at the book until after we got back to LA.

Right away I had to cook a meal for a family who just had a baby and something was telling me to make it out of my new cookbook. I looked through it and was thrown off by all the preparation involved. I didn’t realize it was not a “COOK” book when she handed it to me, but now as I read it I got the picture. I felt a little intimidated by the nut cheeses and the “rice” made of Daikon. But I kept looking at it and looking at it and finally I found two recipes that I felt I could do. One was like a stir-fry, but instead of cooking the vegetables you marinate them. And the other was a soup, that was really just carrot juice and avocado blended together with a lot of herbs and spices. The day I set aside to make the meal was a busy one and I found myself putting it off until late in the afternoon even though I knew all the prep work was going to take extra time. I was procrastinating which is funny because once I started I immediately felt joy and excitement coming through me that was intoxicating. There I was, up to my elbows in shredded vegetables, liquid concoctions, chopped garlic, minced ginger, and my Cuisinart, my blender and my juicer all covered in colorful muck, and I was having a ball. Dinner was an hour late (for us) but I had my meal all set to deliver to our friends in the morning when I finally sat down to eat. The soup was divine. Spicy, full of flavor and I could taste the prana as it traveled down my grateful throat. I was so excited I kept asking Dave what he thought and he kept answering cheerfully though he doesn’t like to be asked anything repeatedly. I guess the food was inspiring him to humor me. The stir fry was delicious, satisfying and full of a variety of flavors and textures. After the meal I asked Dave (again!) what he thought and he said, “Well, I’m not tired.” He often lays down for 15 or 30 minutes after we eat, but he said instead of the usual post-dinner malaise he felt ready for action. I did too!

It wasn’t until today, four days after that meal (and many more like it) that I made the connection between what I was eating and how I was feeling. I am not usually asleep in this area. I pride myself on knowing a lot about food and nutrition, but I was ignoring what I know and as a result I was eating and feeling crap. Ever since that meal, the first really involved raw meal I have prepared myself, I have been much more mindful about what I am eating. And I have wanted mostly straight up, minimally prepared foods. I am not going totally raw and I probably never will, but I have certainly learned that my body and soul are telling me I need to continue this effort to make entirely raw meals once a week and the rest of the week make it a lot raw. I feel it. And I feel great.