Ocean Kiss

I was pulled to the beach like a magnet to metal
My escape from dinner preparations, unplanned but smooth
I slipped down the stairs of the gargantuan rented beach house
Where a large family gathering was in its last day
My sister had just come into the kitchen from a run on the beach
And her sweat reminded me how badly I needed to get out there myself
One last time

I pulled on my boots by the pool and watched the sky for birds
I jogged down the steps and trekked across rough ground cover
The sounds of kids screaming and adults laughing faded behind me
And against the crunching of thick stems under my shoes
I climbed up over a railing
And stepped onto the boardwalk that smelled of wet wood

The sky burned orange and the clouds puffed up yellow mountains with golden edges
The sun lowered itself into a fireball over my right shoulder
And the waves drew me to them in thick lines of white
Folding over in slow curls
They were crashing and sending me messages that I never knew existed
They were pulling me out to them like a lover who wanted me to drown in their beauty

I stood on the sand
It was late and the beach that had been broad as a football field this afternoon
Was swallowed by the tide that left only a narrow edge to stand in
I considered running or walking down a ways but the waves made me stand still
I listened

The beach was like an open book with different pictures next to each other
The right page was a burnt umber mist that looked like orange rain over the ocean
Making edgeless the distinctions of land and sea
On the left the colors vibrated from the other end
The sky was still blue
But the dark blue of dusk with uncommon clarity that carefully outlined
A runner in the distance
Shimmering silver on the water

The waves were breaking in long rows marching in with big swells coming up behind
A sandbar was making them break out there
Perfect curling tubes of blue gray with white furled edges
I was talking to them
Saying goodbye
I said I love you

I started to feel all the abuse the ocean takes and a wave of sadness rose up
It passed through my body and disappeared into the orange mist that was overtaking the whole scene
This is the moment that counts, I thought
Rain was coming

Then a big wave broke
And I knew it was headed for me
It was already pushing me with its significance
And I thought I ought to step back a bit or get ready to
But I stood there

And the wave sent a long finger of foam up to me
That reached only my toes
Glancing down the beach I saw that it was the only part that came up that far
And I melted with the humility that comes from being kissed
By the ocean

A Recipe for Self Love

A cup of attention

A cup of gratitude

A cup of patience

A cup of affection

A cup of humor

A cup of humility

A cup of awareness

A cup of compassion

A cup of strength

A cup of perseverance

A cup of tenacity

A cup of discipline

A cup of reverence

A gallon of love

Start by pouring the cup of attention over your thoughts and beliefs. For instance, notice what you are thinking when cleaning the cat box. Is it: Why am I the only one who ever cleans the cat box? Or, Why do these damn cats have to make such a mess? Or, I should have gotten one of those self-cleaning boxes but I can’t afford it.

If you notice negative thoughts like these coming up during routine activities and chores, take a cup (or two if required) of gratitude and mix it with a cup of love and pour it over yourself until you find you are saying something like this: How I love to scoop the cat box. It feels so good to keep it nice and clean so my little lovelies have a comfortable place to relieve themselves.

Next, look at how you talk to your family, or others that you are close enough to that you don’t bother being polite all the time. Are you short tempered? Do you snap at your children or bark orders at your spouse? Get out your patience and mix it in a small bowl with affection and humor. Now you have a nice sauce for getting along. Next time you find you are losing your grip and nasty sounding words are just waiting behind your lips, take a deep breath, grab the sauce you just made and drink it up. Now do or say something funny and watch how cute they look when they smile and let any annoyance or irritation you had slip away. Take another cup of love and spill it all over the floor in front of them and while your wiping it up, think of all the qualities you love about them.

After this step, preheat your heart. Get it slightly warmer than normal. Keep it nice and warm as we look in the mirror at how you see yourself. Do you feel 100% satisfied with your work or whatever you are doing with your life? Do you criticize your efforts on a daily basis as sub-par or never good enough? Could it be that these attitudes are covering up an alternative view under the surface that you are the greatest thing to ever walk the earth? Is there a tiny piece of you that thinks you really should be a billionaire by now or that your picture ought to be on the cover of time magazine instead of Michelle Obama’s? This is where humility comes in. You need to be careful with this ingredient as it can be a little tricky to work with. Sprinkle it over yourself each morning. Just a light sprinkling and then more throughout the day each time you find you are underselling yourself or thinking you are much more talented than the person next to you who just got a big grant for their work researching carpenter bees. Sprinkle it and say, I am no better or worse than anyone else. I am just perfect and complete in myself.

Next look at your body. What gives you trouble? Do you have a stiff neck? Poor eyesight? Back trouble? Warts? Constipation? Get out your compassion and stir it up with an equal part of love and apply it liberally to each area that bothers you. The trick here is to love any parts of yourself that you have long cursed, neglected or worked hard to “fix.” This step is not about fixing you, it is about accepting you as you are, bumps and all. Then as you are applying the love and compassion mixture, ask your body part what it needs or wants. Listen carefully. Then pour on more love and compassion.

Now that you’re about halfway through this recipe, it’s going to get a little harder. The parts of yourself that are determined to keep you down and only dipping your big toe in the bath of self-love are going to start fighting for their survival. It is time to get out your strength, perseverance and tenacity. You will need all three. Keep them separate but close together, applying the correct ingredient in the right moment. Are those nasty words trying to get out of your mouth and attack the ones you love again? Pull out some strength and add it to the mixture of patience affection and humor described above. Having trouble at work believing in your abilities to do the best job possible? Get out perseverance and apply it to any mistakes or missteps or even blunders you have made and remember you must take risks and be willing to fail to get anywhere in this life. Are the warts still bothering you? Wondering if they will ever go away? Are you giving in to voices that tell you there is something wrong with you? A fatal flaw perhaps? Tenacity is your secret ingredient. Use it to combat these voices, remember that they are your teachers and keep at least a quart of love on hand to pour over the trouble spots in weak moments.

You are almost home. The key to keeping all this love flowing in all areas of life is discipline. Use your discipline whenever you slip or even after you’ve fallen back into the old habits of negative thinking for long periods. You can always get back on that horse. All it takes is a little discipline. Take at least a cup of it every morning when you wake up.

The icing on this cake is reverence. To revere yourself and all of life is to be truly and fully in love with yourself and your life and the moment you are in. Use it liberally and enjoy the results.

Congratulations! You are now in love with yourself. Lucky you!

Windy Today

Today I saw a bird circling high above Lake Av as I drove down it with the kids in the car after a day of school. It caught my eye because it was performing some unusual acrobatics on the wind. It was hovering like it was suspended on strings, not circling, not flapping, just hovering. Then it swooped dramatically sideways so that if there was ink on its wing and the air was paper it would have drawn a broad and shallow U. Back to hovering, now on the right side of Lake, still high above the street lights and low buildings, and then another sideways swoop. It was so high it was hard to see what it was at first, but by the time I slowed for someone in the cross walk I could see it was a crow or a raven. It was black and looked big so it was probably a raven since I read somewhere that they tend to be daredevils and usually fly solo.

The wind was also unusual. There was no sign of it down at street level but up at the tops of the trees it was almost wild. The long hair on the lady crossing the street wasn't moving but the branches up above her were being blown in great gusts. Strange, I thought. Like two different worlds right next to each other.

I like to pay attention to the birds. They seem always to show up in interesting moments and to occupy a different world. They live in trees. They can fly. They eat worms and small animals and pick up trash. They are urban dwellers like me. Like the lady in the crosswalk. But they manage without all the things we think are necessary. Houses. Electricity. Cars. There are so many of them, you would think the trees would be overcrowded with nests, but its rare to find one. Even rare to find their cast off feathers, or corpses. A friend in New York pointed out recently that you never see small pigeons. They must somehow keep their young protected and hidden until they are full grown. But where?

Birds are very adaptable. Especially the city birds we know so well. The pigeons [my daughter likes it when I refer to them by their 'real' name: Rock Dove], the house finches, starlings and crows. We humans are pretty adaptable too. But we take up a lot more space.

Leaving

Sadness flows upwards. From the base of my torso it moves in waves, up through my chest, neck and shoulders, pushing saline out my eye sockets and tingles down my arms.

Is it the text message from my sister who I already miss and don't ever feel I had enough time with? Or

Is it the gruffness with which my husband and I address one another when tense from moving weighty bags and children through an airport on five hours sleep and getting us parked into our tight little seats.

I believe it is the former set off by the latter since now the sadness is expanding like a mushroom cloud, its energy extending down my legs as well as arms all the way into my fingers and toes accompanied by images flipping like cue cards through my mind: My father gripping the back of a chair; my step-mother's smile; my sister holding Frances on her lap; Jane cooking pancakes in the morning.

I feel it in my chest, cool and lively like the first breath of winter air biting at my nostrils, early on a school day. Each day I stepped out onto that same sidewalk this week I felt my history held in the cement under my feet, in the trees singing at the tops of their lungs, their branches in full chorus blooms. It was even in the air, warm with spring and hanging on the faint scent of the East River.